i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
