idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize