We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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