Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
