the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
