I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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