well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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