I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
