yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
