my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
