you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
