Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize