gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
