Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
