You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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