Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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