last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
