i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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