Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
