If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
