Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
