PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
