I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize