what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
