so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
