I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Well I just put wine in my tea
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
