wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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