my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
