I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
