I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
