do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
