i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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