she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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