can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
