you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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