Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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