8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
