pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
