Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
