Don't make out with my wife yet
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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