i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
