I feel great
I just peed on a car
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Two words: blizzard sex
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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