Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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