There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
