I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
