That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Randomize
