we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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