I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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