I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
