my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
