I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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