Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
