I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
