Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
40s are totally the cure
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
