The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
