Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
