Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
