i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
