Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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