I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
