Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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