id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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