I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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