Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize
