Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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