I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize