Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
